The Sasquatch Journal

I performed some of this material Wednesday night at an open mic comedy night...But i rewrote it to work better for a print audience. Keep in mind, I'm aiming this at a certain audience...I'm in a land of about 2 percent conservatives. Gotta give the people want they want!

"We're happy to report that the world did not end this week. Scientists in Switzerland turned on a device Tuesday called the Large Hadron Collider - an atom smasher that's supposed to shoot giant lasers at the speed of light or something...we don't know exactly, we're not scientists....leading some experts to speculate that the device's usage would spawn a black hole that would kill us all. It didn't happen, of course...but a black hole was actually spotted this week anyway. But as it turns out - it was only Dick Cheney's soul.

In related news, President Bush heard about the Hadron Collider project and now he's reportedly trying to fund a top secret project to develop a black hole as a superweapon. Apparently he wants to build a "smart" black hole that causes a force of gravity so specific, it only sucks up terrorists, gay people, the national debt, drugs, illegal immigrants, porn stars, Barack Obama and our collective memory of the last 8 years.

Speaking of potential disasters…Critics everywhere are saying Hurricane Gustav was a pretty weak sequel to the 2005 blockbuster summer release Hurricane Katrina. One critic said in the New York Times today: "Gustav did not blow me away. It got all this pre-release hype, so when I flipped on CNN the day it hit New Orleans - I was expecting a lot - I wanted 100 foot high waves, I wanted heavily armed looters in canoes being shot down by Tommy Lee Jones, I wanted the Scorpians playing "Rock Me Like a Hurricane" live on top of the roof of the Superdome. But what'd we get instead? I'm sitting there watching a hard rainstorm on TV. Two thumbs down."

Critics weren't the only ones upset with the relative weakness of Gustav. Observers say CNN anchor Anderson Cooper paced around the French Quarter in his little orange slicker waiting for a dramatic shot of heavy rain and wind battering him around that never came. He allegedly told his camera crew: "Ok, screw this boring shit...Bring me my fatigues, I'm going back to Iraq! Or snowsuit so I can go to Alaska and stalk Sarah Palin's family. C'mon people, ratings!"

Gustav however did win a recent AP poll as the "Scariest Sounding Hurricane Name of the Year." According to the numbers, 14 percent of respondants said "Gustav" sounded like the mean old neighbor guy down the street that called the police everytime a kid hit a ball into his yard, 29 percent thought Gustav could be the annoying homeless man on 4th and Monroe that won't stop bugging them for change, and 44 percent claimed Gustav was the name of their Nazi prison guard in World War II.

Hurricane Ike is now gathering speed and is predicted to hit southeast Texas this week. Houston officials say they plan to round up a posse, ride to the beach and 'shoot the sonofabitch dead' with pistols."