I made my debut as Dr. Fantasy, a fantasy sports columnist for the Chicago Tribune RedEye today. (And yes, I know the name makes me sound like a porn producer from the late 80's) You can view it by going to www.redeye.chicagotribune.com and clicking on the "Look at RedEye Print Edition in PDF form." It's the Oct. 15 edition (the one with the giant high heel). Also, if you click on the 5-on-5 link, I appear also at the Oct. 15 edition.
In addition, I have started writing a radio show called the Ironic News Report a Daily Show/SNL Weekend Update-like take on current event. The INR is both a comedy segment that runs on Chicago Public Radio's Vocalo Programming and an extended topical/political satire show that can be heard Tues and Thurs from 11-1 on Fearless Radio or can be downloaded to podcast.
Here are some of the jokes I've written for them over the past couple weeks:
Over 33,000 possibly clinically insane people from all over the world participated in the Chicago Marathon this weekend. Mental health officials say they still don't know what possessed tens of thousands of people to pay money to run 26 miles in 85 degree heat on Sunday. Others speculate it might be an elaborate terrorist plot to literally run Americans to death.
Scientists have found a "virgin birth" of a shark. They say DNA testing proved that a pup carried by the shark found in Virginia contained no genetic material from a male. When Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin heard the news, she traveled to Virginia Beach to give gold, frankensence and myrrh to the baby shark.
The Russian capsule carrying American computer game millionaire Richard Garriott soared into space this week to head to the international space station. Garriott said so far he regretted paying $30 million for the trip because it was "nothing like the game Space Invaders."
Disney's family comedy "Beverly Hills Chihuahua," was the No. 1 flick for the second-straight weekend with $17.5 million, raising its 10-day total to $52.5 million. In response to this news, movie critic Roger Ebert lit himself on fire.
President Bush says the recent economic meltdown has brought tough times for many Americans. But he pledged that "We have been through tough times before and we're going to come through this again." Bush added that those that couldn't handle it would be sent straight to Guantamano for questioning.
Techies are patiently awaiting the introduction of a new BlackBerry model called the Storm. Details aren't yet final but many are saying the Storm is clearly a direct assault on Apple's iPhone capabilities of constantly distracting users during dinner dates with their girlfriends and making people at parties pretend to be interested when users keep showing them cool things their iPhone can do.
The recent financial crisis is bad in the U.S., but it's reportedly worse in Iceland, the Financial Supervisory Authority said it had to take out a ($5.4 billion) loan from Russia to ward off national bankruptcy caused by the huge debts. This was a surprise to many Americans who thought Iceland was simply a large floating glacier inhabitated by penguins, dinosaurs and Bjork.
Prosecutors are seeking the death penalty for Skylar Deleon accused of two counts of murder. Deleon, who appeared on the "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers" television show in the 1990s, said he'd be cool with going to prison if it meant that orange jumpsuit could be modified so that he could wear a helmet, carry a laser sword and fight off evil talking dragons.
Republican presidential contender John McCain attacked rival Democrat Barack Obama Monday for being "born of the corrupt Chicago political machine." Chicago fundraiser and former Obama friend Antoin "Tony" Rezko responded to the perceived insult by reportedly offering to break McCain's kneecaps.
Famed race car driver and "Dancing with the Stars" champ Helio Castroneves pleaded not guilty recently to a seven-count tax evasion indictment. Congress is in talks about whether to use federal funds to bailout Castroneves after President Bush said the dancer was "too sexy to fail."After Republican Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin reluctantly participated in a televised debate with Democratic candidate Joe Biden on Thursday, the Alaskan Governor said she favored a new series of American Gladiator type physical based contests between her and Biden to help America choose on Election Day. Palin's proposed events include - snowboarding, bowhunting moose, child bearing, and armwrestling Al Queda agents.
Evangelical Christian sponsored "Fireproof," a movie starring former Growing Pains star Kirk Cameron surprised Hollywood this weekend by grossing over $6 million and taking the fourth spot on the box office charts. Focus on the Family president James Dobson said the films strong showing proved that God existed because "only a Divine Being would have the power to resurrect Kirk Cameron's career."
Drew Peterson said he can't explain why he failed a recent polygraph test on three different questions involving the whereabouts and nature of his fourth wife Stacey. Peterson reportedly said he is upset not because he didn't kill his wife, but because he thought he was way better at lying.
