My 10 Hour Grand Theft Auto IV Spree
Last night I embarked on a drug-induced crime spree throughout the city. Well, virtually, at least. The so-called "drug" was actually lots of caffeine and the crime took place in the world of the new Grand Theft Auto IV game on Xbox 360. With some critics already hyping it as the "Citizen Kane" of video games, I opted to purchase the game at a midnight sale at a local Gamestop and go on a crazy all-night GTAIV bender. Here is a diary of my insanity:
Monday 11:20 p.m. I had planned to bike to Gamestop on North Avenue to pick up Grand Theft Auto IV at midnight, but wouldn't it be in the spirit of the game to jack a stranger's BMW in Wicker Park and gun it down Western at 100 miles per hour to get there? Thankfully, cooler heads prevail and I take my own vehicle.
11:55 p.m. When I see the crowd of approximately 200 people lined up to buy the game, I wonder if this is like a theme party where everyone is supposed to dress up as their favorite GTA thug. But as it turns out, there is simply a lot of shady looking characters wearing hoodies and bad facial hair that apparently want to buy the game on the first night. And only three are female. Big surprise. I have a feeling the ladies are still holding out for "Grey's Anatomy: The Game." Tuesday 12:08 a.m. A Chicago Police Officer shows up at Gamestop to help keep order. Now this finally feels like a bonafide GTA release party.12:50 a.m. Because I am #101 in line, I don't walk out with the game in hand until nearly 1 a.m. I'm hungry, I'm cold, I'm tired, and I'm strangely ready to play GTAIV for 10 straight hours. Game on!
1:20 a.m. I hate to say it, but the Eastern European immigrant you play in the game, Niko, has a little bit too much of a Borat thing going on. When he tells his cousin: "Is 'dis the cab? Where is 'da sports car?' in his thick accent, I half expect him to bust out with "In my country, good car can get you best prostitutes. Wawawewow!" 
2:02 a.m. I just stole my first car. Mom would be so proud. On the other hand, it's a old beater from the 80's that keeps backfiring every 30 seconds. But I suppose you have to start somewhere.
1:20 a.m. I hate to say it, but the Eastern European immigrant you play in the game, Niko, has a little bit too much of a Borat thing going on. When he tells his cousin: "Is 'dis the cab? Where is 'da sports car?' in his thick accent, I half expect him to bust out with "In my country, good car can get you best prostitutes. Wawawewow!"
1:42 a.m. You don't even have to go out on the streets to be entertained in GTAIV. I spend at least 20 minutes watching TV in my apartment. There's a hilarious parody of "The Man Show," Burger King (a commercial for a seven patty burger called "The Heartstopper") and they even take shots at "24" with a show called "72" where the hero "tortures every person of color in the city." This is already more funny than the last three seasons of SNL combined. I'm going to need lots of motivation to get out of the apartment and wreak mayhem.
2:02 a.m. I just stole my first car. Mom would be so proud. On the other hand, it's a old beater from the 80's that keeps backfiring every 30 seconds. But I suppose you have to start somewhere.
2:30 a.m. The radio station in the car is blaring Russian gangster rap. Let's just say Kanye doesn't have anything to worry about quite yet. Another ad takes on the Bush administration. "They're taking away civil liberties I don't use anyway!" says a testimonial for the so-called Jingoism Act.
4:15 a.m. It hasn't even been a full day and I've already got a date with a girl named Michelle. American girls are suckers for European accents. Many people assume that GTA is all about sex with hookers, but all I do is take Michelle bowling, have pleasant chit-chat and drive her directly home without even a kiss. Boring.
4:46 a.m. I break the arm of a loan shark because well, I can't stand high interest rates I suppose.
5:15 a.m. I just got super drunk at a dive bar. Now my vision is blurry and I fell down on my way to the car. Perhaps I should be responsible and take a cab home, but since it's a video game I can live out all my drunk driving fantasies! In real life, I'm a little bleary eyed because of a lack of sleep. Let the 20-ounce bottles of Mountain Dew flow like wine!
6:20 a.m. Believe it or not, when I the G-string clad stripper gave me a lapdance at the local Gentlemen's Club, my Xbox controller started vibrating. That sound you just heard was Hilary Clinton fainting.
9:57 a.m. In the past few hours, I've broken the window of an old Chinese business owner who refused to pay protection money, outran the cops in a high-speed chase, played darts with my cousin in an Irish pub, went on a bad date, saw a angry magician in a cabaret club, bought a smooth leather jacket and ran over a pedestrian or two. And I'm getting very, very sleepy.
11:30-ish a.m. One...more...theft....ZZZZZZZZZZ....
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