The Sasquatch Journal

Movie: A story about how Marvel has made movies about the X-Men, Spider-Man, Fantastic Four, Ghost Rider, The Incredible Hulk, etc. and now has to dip into their D-list comic book characters for new feature
films. Their new film for 2010: "The Armadillo" a minor supervillain who appeared in some Captain America comics in the mid-80's. The Armadillo, starring John Leguizamo, is about a man who walks slowly across roads and can withstand being hit by a mid-sized SUV.

After Playing Game of RISK, Bush Orders American Troops to Leave Iraq and Hole Up in Australia: At a press conference, a White House Press Secretary announces that President Bush has ordered US military forces to leave Iraq and invade Australia. The strategy is to hole up there to build up forces while the rest of the world stays busy fighting each other. America would then wait until the rest of the world was weak to attack from their Australian base. A leaked intelligence report reveals that Bush thought of the new strategy after beating Maj. General Rick Lynch, Jerry Falwell, and his daughter Jenna.


Joey Scarbury Desperately Trying to Get Hipsters To Like Him Ironically: A report about how Joey Scarbury, who wrote the 80's one-hit wonder "Theme from Greatest American Hero (Believe it or
Not)", is actively campaigning on the internet to get his songs embraced by the hipster/ wise-ass blogger set so that he can see a brief surge of ironic popularity. He has even coined the catchphrase "Scarburied!" hoping that a video of his single "When She Dances" will replace being "RickRolled" as the new cool Internet prank.
Mormonism Outed As Ashton Kutcher Prank: A story about how Mormonism, the religion founded by Joseph Smith and associated with practices like polygamy is actually an elaborate hoax concocted by Ashton Kutcher for his new TV show "Cult'd."

Man In Walk-athon Shockingly Forgets What Cause He Is Walking For: An ONN anchor interviews a man who is walking in a walkathon who has just forgotten what special cause he is walking for. The man guesses that it could be for breast cancer, but he says he may have walked for that last year.

Ted Kennedy's Brain To Play Krang in New Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Movie: A story about how Ted Kennedy's enormous brain will be used to play the character Krang, a talking evil brain encased in a human-shaped exo-suit from the 1987 TMNT animated series.

Snobby Sportscenter Anchor's Cheeky Cultural References Stuck in 18^th and 19th Century Literature: A story about a new anchor on ESPN's Sportscenter who has annoyed many sports fans by using references to Moby Dick, Jane Austin novels and the works of gay playwright Oscar Wilde when describing football highlights instead of the usual references to modern TV shows, movies and rap songs. As of press time, only seven ESPN viewers understood the anchor's comparison of Brothers Karamazov to Major League baseball players Bengie, Jose and Yadier Molina.

Womens Studies Major Somehow Can't Figure Out Why He Can't Score Chicks: An ONN anchor interviews a male college student at a liberal arts college who chose women studies as a major because he figured the huge gap in the female to male ratio in his classes would allow him "score lots of chicks." But after three semesters, the student is puzzled about the fact that he hasn't bedded any of his female classmates. He is also puzzled by the fact that half of the girls "are all vegan and shit."

Jilted Ralph Nader to Run for Student Council President of Lincoln, Nebraska High School: A report about how Ralph Nader, disappointed by his lack of success at multiple runs for the President of the U.S., is setting the bar lower by running for Student Council in a small high school in Nebraska.