The Sasquatch Journal

......... Kneel Down to Lord Zod!


Dr. Emperor Zod Zuzillion might be the most interesting huckster/street hustler/creator of a religion/ that I've ever met.

It was Thursday night outside a quasi-upscale nautical themed restaurant on Main Street in Santa Monica called The Galley. Joel, Collin and myself were waiting on the sidewalk when we were approached by an aging white-haired black man in a long white coat (Think Matrix trenchcoat, not lab scientist coat) with a huge picture ID name tag hanging around his neck that declared him a "Metaphysical Futurist."

I wasn't sure what to do with this information. What exactly is a Metaphysical Futurist why does it sound so made up? Do Futurists study the future, predict it, try to create their own version of it, or are they just hardcore fans of 'Back to the Future?' Maybe he was FROM the Future! Well, Doc, couldn't tell ya, but I do know that there's something not quite right about a Bill Cosbyish "scientist" named Zed Zuzillion who wears an odd white coat.


That's right. Dr. Emperor Zed Zuzillion. You may have been like me and wondered, "Hey, isn't that the name of the leader of the three super villians from outer space in Superman II?" But rest assured, that is Lord Zod (as pictured at the beginning of this post.) Nonetheless, it still sounds like a name made up by someone writing Dr. Who fan fiction or something.) And then there is the question...how do you become a doctor AND an emperor? Does this mean he got his degree in ruling stuff? And wouldn't you put Emperor BEFORE Dr.? Emperor seems more impressive to me. Ruling is cooler than diagnosing.

But I digress. Right away Mr. Zuzillion began talking to us like we were all long lost friends...and mentioned that *He* at least couldn't find a legitimate reason to hate white boys (interestingly implying that most people hated us, but he was doing us a favor.)

I wish I could remember more of the conversation....it all seems like a bizarre dream now.

But I do remember being high-fived a lot.

I remember him saying some about "Zen" and then asked him if he thought Phil Jackson was the smooth Zen Master? He went on about how Phil Jackson and Pat Riley had some sort of powers. It was very confusing.

I remember him calling me "Vanilla" and Collin "June Boy."

I remember him referring to a nearby girl's hair as "Brazilian" and said it made him want to sing a song about it.

I remember him telling Joel he was going to give him a "handshake from the future."

And of course I remember purchasing his self-published "Bible" from the Church of Zuzpremely Arts and Scienes for $5.

Here are a few excerpts:

"Gobal ruleing (I assume he means Global Ruling)
Pertaining to Living Life
At the top of all hidden powers
In the now, and all times to come from, breath in the body
And every other way the ligh
mine can create, from the black
Holes in endless space held by the twenty seven zods
And the twenty seven zoddess in sprit, in the flesh. Over the sky.

By his Lordship,
Dr. Emperor Zod Zuzillion"

Boundless Balance:

Boundless balance of the nine deaths, that insure everlasting control, everlasting power, everlasting wisdom, everlasting knowledge, everlasting outsdtanding absolute some more, do more, get more have more, stay more, is more, all more, go more, keep more, Zoo More. The Great Zuzillion, and the Great Zuwonderful, The Great Zuman, The Great Zuton, The Grea Count, Zuanuta, the Great Duke, Zumighty and Lord Zilly.

How Many Ways I'm Winning
- I make 90% profits on manufacturing.
-I don't have any hardheaded women to take my profits.
-I don't have any bastard children to send checks to.

The Art of Escaping A World of Jackasses

-I didn't put my gold pole into any poor holes, so I have all good fruits.
-I bought land and surrounded myself with nothing but elephants.
-I never denounce my crown of divine power and earthly power as well.
-I keep my head in the North Pole. I keep my right arm in America, I keep my left arm in Afrika and in all fifth two States (Wow, apparently we added two states recently. Either that or Dr. Zod is thinking of the future.)
I cover my ass in the Gulf of Mexico. I protect my feet in Soloman's diamond.

The lesson in all this? Apparently the future is bright for the letter "Z." And apparently there is no shortage of interesting and baffling characters in this town. I just wish I would of remembered to ask him if Dippin Dots was still "The Ice Cream of the Future" in the future, or called "Ice Cream of the Present."