ATTENTION!!
I am relaunching my old E-zine, the Sasquatch Journal in a blog format.
What you see here is my first foray into blogging. I was a little intimidated about jumping right in, so I am starting off with a little old material. I wrote the following way back in 1998. Sadly, my material isnt timeless, (I'm still tweaking my Moby Dick sequel) but it shall suffice for my purposes...
Anyway, here goes the experiment....If all goes well, (im working on design) I will have brand spanking new material next week. Until then....enjoy.
A letter from the editor:
As I have been perusing through the ever growing plethora of magazines lately, I have noticed a trend. The hot phase right now seems to be glossy magazines which claim to either be "Men" or "Women's" magazines. But after examining the contents, "Perverted Men" or "Shallow Women" would perhaps be a better audience. These magazines, with ambiguous names like "Her World", "Men Stuff", "Fitness" can be spotted by the obligatory half-naked celebrities on the cover, offer nothing but a hollow humanistic outlook on life. God, religion, and the admiration of truly great heroes has been replaced with the obsession with the intimate lives of celebrities, people placed on an altar of worship not by their good deeds and traits, but their ability to make formulaic, cliched movies, dunk a basketball, or have nice cheekbones and great breasts. These magazines try to guide readers to a misguided happiness based on our 90's materialistic norms of fleeting self-indulgent pleasures of money, sex, and having defined abs. So, we here at the Sasquatch Journal looked upon all of this and said "Hey, this stuff is making phat cash! We can do this too!" So, we are proud to present:
Sassyquatch: Issue 1
In this Issue:
----How to improve your sex life with chewing gum
----Steamy, soapy affairs with the boss: A bad thing?
----You have a fat butt.
----Bill Clinton: Commander-in-Stud
----How to have sex in uncomfortable places: Like in the back of a Volkswagen
----Cameron Diaz: She's hotter than you
----Study: Lose your hair, lose your mind
----Sex with furniture: What do you think?
----Does your eyeshadow make you look like a whore?
----What makes Brad Pitt tick? (It's not what you'd think)
----SEX: Um.....Sex. Nuff said.
Not in this issue:
----Sex is overrated
----12 Ways to make your gut bigger
----Bill Clinton: A lying, womanizing, soulless shadow of a man
----Leonardo DiCaprio: He looks like a freakin chick
----A Thoughtful discussion on foreign affairs
----Repent your sins to God in only 5 minutes a day
----Princess Di: Who gives a crap?
READERS FORUM-----
Letter #1
"Wow! I died and went to heaven after seeing Salma Hayek wearing nothing but a necktie on your cover. I would read all of your cool articles, but the magazine is drenched in saliva. Yowzers!"
Brian Mitchell
Washington D.C.
Letter #2
"Michael Tomkin, author of the article "Tom Cruise is gay" obviously has no idea what he is talking about. His marriage with Nicole Kidman is not a facade, and I can prove it. First of all, if Tom Cruise was gay, why would he make out with Renee Zellweger in the wonderful flick "Jerry McGuire"? As Tom might say himself, "Show me the homosexuality!" In addition, I re-rented "Top Gun" the other night and watched Tom's stellar performance as Maverick. I thought to myself, "Jet pilots aren't gay. Tom Cruise wouldn't be convincing as a ace with an F-16 if really was attracted to men." Oh yeah, and last year Tom Cruise had an affair with my wife. I rest my case."
Carl Pickins
Cincinnati, OH
Feature Article:----Cindy Crawford Q&A
Sas: "Cindy, you are looking good today. What is that you're wearing? The fabric looks expensive."
Cindy: "Of course I look beautiful, idiot....I'm a model. And get your hands off my gown, it's rare silk imported from Yemen."
Sas: "Yemen, eh? That's interesting. Have you ever been there before?"
Cindy: "Duh. I go to Canada all the time."
Sas: "Uh...yeah... so... you've been pretty busy lately. The Playboy spread..."
Cindy: "You wasted no time in bring that up. Yeah, Playboy is something I've been wanting to do for awhile now."
Sas: "Many say that Playboy was a stupid career move for a model trying desperately to be taken seriously. What was your decision based on?"
Cindy: "As a feminist, I don't see Playboy as an exploitation of women, but as a expression of a independence of my sexuality and a freedom of my boundaries. It's about being comfortable with your own body and allowing this aura of ambitious nature bubble to the surface."
Sas: "I have no idea what you're talking about."
Cindy: "Sorry. It's model babble. OK, I did it because I'm getting old and I needed to boost my career the only way I can."
Sas: (Looking at spread) "Your mole looks more firm, supple. Did you have it surgically altered in any way?"
Cindy: "No way, this thing is natural. I just use Vidal's Natural Mole Enhancer Level 3 on it, every day. And I eat nothing but carrots and grass."
Sas: "Hmmm...sounds like the diet of a horse. So tell me what your opinions about the domestic political situation?"
Cindy: "The dom what? Are you asking about my makeup?"
Sas: "Never mind. Let's talk about your stint as host of the talk show "Later". Now one critic said: "Cindy Crawford is an average looking woman who has no business talking because she has the intelligence of a ferret." How do you respond?"
Cindy: "Ferrets are actually wonderful, intelligent creatures...or so my husband says."
Sas: "Ah, Richard Gere. He is infamous for his inclination towards small furry creatures."
Cindy: "Can I get through one interview without the mention of anal gerbils?"
Sas: "Sorry. Uh.. so what are the future plans for you? What is left for Cindy Crawford to accomplish? Radical make-overs? Political aspirations? A sequel to your dud "Fair Game" with that Baldwin brother?"
Cindy: "I can't believe you mentioned "Fair Game". (Coughs) Well, in 1999 I'd like to break into the untapped feminine hygiene commercials, release my own fragrance called "I smell better than Michael Jordan", and I may look into doing a straight to video movie release with Ronald McDonald."
Sas: "And we'll be waiting with bells on. You little ferret."
-------
Better Abs in 6 easy steps:
Has that washboard stomach you used to have become a washing machine? Has that six-pack become a keg? Do people laugh and kick you because you are big and fat and disgusting? They should. Well, Sassyquatch has some tips that will put the "dom" back in your abdominal muscles.
1. Never eat again--- This may be a hard rule to follow for you people who have grown used to eating "food". But, you have to remember that food contains certain elements, such as "fat", which will make you fat, "cholesterol", which will make your heart and arteries explode like a bomb, and "carbohydrates", that, as the name implies, turns you into the multi-headed mythological creature Hydra. For the undisciplined, If you can't stop yourself from eating, consume something light, like a sesame seed or a flower pedal. But don't eat any of those junk foliage such as a Maple leaf because they contain a lot of "calories", which can kill you.
2. Do some excersizing----- Think about the countless sit-ups you used to do to make your tummy flat? Ha Ha, you simple fool, all of that work for NOTHING! Sit-ups do nothing but give you a sore back and make you look a monkey. Let's try some real exercises like this: Bend on your knees, lean forward and touch your toes, then put your legs over your head and crawl around on the floor using only your abdominal muscles. You might also try swimming the English channel, climbing the Grand Canyon, or racing a Formula One race car using only your ABDOMINAL muscles. If you can't do these...you really aren't trying.
3. Run it over---- One easy way to rid yourself of your gut is to have someone back over your stomach with a large vehicle, preferably a semi-truck or a tank. Your protruding belly will be "flattened": in no time!
4. Rip out the fat---- If you get desperate....well, hey they call them "love handles" right? So why not grab the handles, and rip the handles right off your body. Think about how much better you'd look with all of that gelatinous, fatty material severed off your body and left with an attractive gaping hole in your midsection.
5. Burn the fat right off---- As a last resort, you can always burn the fat right off, literally. With a simple blowtorch, you can "fire away" at that potbelly, and "melt" the fat away at 750 degrees! Caution: When you've hit the large intestine.....you've gone too far.
I am relaunching my old E-zine, the Sasquatch Journal in a blog format.
What you see here is my first foray into blogging. I was a little intimidated about jumping right in, so I am starting off with a little old material. I wrote the following way back in 1998. Sadly, my material isnt timeless, (I'm still tweaking my Moby Dick sequel) but it shall suffice for my purposes...
Anyway, here goes the experiment....If all goes well, (im working on design) I will have brand spanking new material next week. Until then....enjoy.
A letter from the editor:
As I have been perusing through the ever growing plethora of magazines lately, I have noticed a trend. The hot phase right now seems to be glossy magazines which claim to either be "Men" or "Women's" magazines. But after examining the contents, "Perverted Men" or "Shallow Women" would perhaps be a better audience. These magazines, with ambiguous names like "Her World", "Men Stuff", "Fitness" can be spotted by the obligatory half-naked celebrities on the cover, offer nothing but a hollow humanistic outlook on life. God, religion, and the admiration of truly great heroes has been replaced with the obsession with the intimate lives of celebrities, people placed on an altar of worship not by their good deeds and traits, but their ability to make formulaic, cliched movies, dunk a basketball, or have nice cheekbones and great breasts. These magazines try to guide readers to a misguided happiness based on our 90's materialistic norms of fleeting self-indulgent pleasures of money, sex, and having defined abs. So, we here at the Sasquatch Journal looked upon all of this and said "Hey, this stuff is making phat cash! We can do this too!" So, we are proud to present:
Sassyquatch: Issue 1
In this Issue:
----How to improve your sex life with chewing gum
----Steamy, soapy affairs with the boss: A bad thing?
----You have a fat butt.
----Bill Clinton: Commander-in-Stud
----How to have sex in uncomfortable places: Like in the back of a Volkswagen
----Cameron Diaz: She's hotter than you
----Study: Lose your hair, lose your mind
----Sex with furniture: What do you think?
----Does your eyeshadow make you look like a whore?
----What makes Brad Pitt tick? (It's not what you'd think)
----SEX: Um.....Sex. Nuff said.
Not in this issue:
----Sex is overrated
----12 Ways to make your gut bigger
----Bill Clinton: A lying, womanizing, soulless shadow of a man
----Leonardo DiCaprio: He looks like a freakin chick
----A Thoughtful discussion on foreign affairs
----Repent your sins to God in only 5 minutes a day
----Princess Di: Who gives a crap?
READERS FORUM-----
Letter #1
"Wow! I died and went to heaven after seeing Salma Hayek wearing nothing but a necktie on your cover. I would read all of your cool articles, but the magazine is drenched in saliva. Yowzers!"
Brian Mitchell
Washington D.C.
Letter #2
"Michael Tomkin, author of the article "Tom Cruise is gay" obviously has no idea what he is talking about. His marriage with Nicole Kidman is not a facade, and I can prove it. First of all, if Tom Cruise was gay, why would he make out with Renee Zellweger in the wonderful flick "Jerry McGuire"? As Tom might say himself, "Show me the homosexuality!" In addition, I re-rented "Top Gun" the other night and watched Tom's stellar performance as Maverick. I thought to myself, "Jet pilots aren't gay. Tom Cruise wouldn't be convincing as a ace with an F-16 if really was attracted to men." Oh yeah, and last year Tom Cruise had an affair with my wife. I rest my case."
Carl Pickins
Cincinnati, OH
Feature Article:----Cindy Crawford Q&A
Sas: "Cindy, you are looking good today. What is that you're wearing? The fabric looks expensive."
Cindy: "Of course I look beautiful, idiot....I'm a model. And get your hands off my gown, it's rare silk imported from Yemen."
Sas: "Yemen, eh? That's interesting. Have you ever been there before?"
Cindy: "Duh. I go to Canada all the time."
Sas: "Uh...yeah... so... you've been pretty busy lately. The Playboy spread..."
Cindy: "You wasted no time in bring that up. Yeah, Playboy is something I've been wanting to do for awhile now."
Sas: "Many say that Playboy was a stupid career move for a model trying desperately to be taken seriously. What was your decision based on?"
Cindy: "As a feminist, I don't see Playboy as an exploitation of women, but as a expression of a independence of my sexuality and a freedom of my boundaries. It's about being comfortable with your own body and allowing this aura of ambitious nature bubble to the surface."
Sas: "I have no idea what you're talking about."
Cindy: "Sorry. It's model babble. OK, I did it because I'm getting old and I needed to boost my career the only way I can."
Sas: (Looking at spread) "Your mole looks more firm, supple. Did you have it surgically altered in any way?"
Cindy: "No way, this thing is natural. I just use Vidal's Natural Mole Enhancer Level 3 on it, every day. And I eat nothing but carrots and grass."
Sas: "Hmmm...sounds like the diet of a horse. So tell me what your opinions about the domestic political situation?"
Cindy: "The dom what? Are you asking about my makeup?"
Sas: "Never mind. Let's talk about your stint as host of the talk show "Later". Now one critic said: "Cindy Crawford is an average looking woman who has no business talking because she has the intelligence of a ferret." How do you respond?"
Cindy: "Ferrets are actually wonderful, intelligent creatures...or so my husband says."
Sas: "Ah, Richard Gere. He is infamous for his inclination towards small furry creatures."
Cindy: "Can I get through one interview without the mention of anal gerbils?"
Sas: "Sorry. Uh.. so what are the future plans for you? What is left for Cindy Crawford to accomplish? Radical make-overs? Political aspirations? A sequel to your dud "Fair Game" with that Baldwin brother?"
Cindy: "I can't believe you mentioned "Fair Game". (Coughs) Well, in 1999 I'd like to break into the untapped feminine hygiene commercials, release my own fragrance called "I smell better than Michael Jordan", and I may look into doing a straight to video movie release with Ronald McDonald."
Sas: "And we'll be waiting with bells on. You little ferret."
-------
Better Abs in 6 easy steps:
Has that washboard stomach you used to have become a washing machine? Has that six-pack become a keg? Do people laugh and kick you because you are big and fat and disgusting? They should. Well, Sassyquatch has some tips that will put the "dom" back in your abdominal muscles.
1. Never eat again--- This may be a hard rule to follow for you people who have grown used to eating "food". But, you have to remember that food contains certain elements, such as "fat", which will make you fat, "cholesterol", which will make your heart and arteries explode like a bomb, and "carbohydrates", that, as the name implies, turns you into the multi-headed mythological creature Hydra. For the undisciplined, If you can't stop yourself from eating, consume something light, like a sesame seed or a flower pedal. But don't eat any of those junk foliage such as a Maple leaf because they contain a lot of "calories", which can kill you.
2. Do some excersizing----- Think about the countless sit-ups you used to do to make your tummy flat? Ha Ha, you simple fool, all of that work for NOTHING! Sit-ups do nothing but give you a sore back and make you look a monkey. Let's try some real exercises like this: Bend on your knees, lean forward and touch your toes, then put your legs over your head and crawl around on the floor using only your abdominal muscles. You might also try swimming the English channel, climbing the Grand Canyon, or racing a Formula One race car using only your ABDOMINAL muscles. If you can't do these...you really aren't trying.
3. Run it over---- One easy way to rid yourself of your gut is to have someone back over your stomach with a large vehicle, preferably a semi-truck or a tank. Your protruding belly will be "flattened": in no time!
4. Rip out the fat---- If you get desperate....well, hey they call them "love handles" right? So why not grab the handles, and rip the handles right off your body. Think about how much better you'd look with all of that gelatinous, fatty material severed off your body and left with an attractive gaping hole in your midsection.
5. Burn the fat right off---- As a last resort, you can always burn the fat right off, literally. With a simple blowtorch, you can "fire away" at that potbelly, and "melt" the fat away at 750 degrees! Caution: When you've hit the large intestine.....you've gone too far.
